just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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