i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
