Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
