my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
