I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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