So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
