last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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