I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
