Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
