um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
