if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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