glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
