I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
