i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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