Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
