u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She bit a glass in half.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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