god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
