Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
