We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I FOUND THE LEGS
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
