I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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