The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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