How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
