I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
