Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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