the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
