I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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