There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
