I'm so fucking centered right now
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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