i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
