new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
