Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
