Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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