How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
