Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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