Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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