I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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