he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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