the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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