What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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