ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
