FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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