also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
