I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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