I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
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