I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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