I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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