Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
