She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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