Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
