Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
