Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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