I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
