I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
