i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
