Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
