cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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