its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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